Thursday, July 1, 2010

yes please, i would like some cheese with that whine.

i have two really big pet peeves that i would like to share with you.

1. people who are so grossed out by public restrooms that they either, a. lay 1,000 scraps of toilet paper on the seat to avoid direct contact or, b. hover over toilet seat to avoid direct contact.

this behavior results in forcing the person who uses the bathroom next to either, I. sweep the scraps, which are at this point probably covered in urine, into the toilet or, II. wipe the culprit's urine off of the toilet seat with a piece of toilet paper. i find these behaviors to be selfish and juvenile. and also, in the case of the 1,000 scraps, super wasteful. if you are that scared of a public toilet seat i suggest you carry an external catheter leg bag system as to not inconvenience non-neurotic restroom users.

2. people who have poor umbrella etiquette.

umbrella etiquette has gone the way of the buffalo folks. the large majority of umbrella-wielding citizens are so very concerned about getting wet that they have no respect for their non-umbrella carrying friends and neighbors. there are several ways this plays out 1. the umbrella user, burrowed deep beneath their plastic dome, spills the rain runoff from their umbrella onto an unsuspecting individual while they attempt to navigate umbrella congested streets, 2. the umbrella user, still safe beneath their umbrella, stabs an innocent bystander in the eye with the sharp wire of their horribly decrepit parasol 3. the umbrella carrier, now inside, rests their dripping umbrella on chairs and tables, leaving puddles everywhere. this behavior results in them staying dry and happy while soaking, mutilating and ruining the days of those who lack a bumbershoot.

these are the people who ruin my days, and i hate them for it.

happy fourth of july sirs and madams!

8 comments:

kritaliation said...

hear hear!

Loganberry Crumble said...

I put a single (sometimes double) layer of about 4 squares of tissue on each side.

I make sure they get flushed along with everything else. Also, a lot of the times, a single wipe of the toilet seat is necessary and that's all that needs to be done.

I keep things neat.

Loganberry Crumble said...

NEAT I TELL YOU

Joey Pwn said...

one layer if double ply, two if single ply.

Pretty Kittens said...

berry Logan Crumble, you do know that a layer of toilet paper on a toilet seat does nothing to prevent anything thats already on the seat from getting to you. It is merely making you think that you are not getting all dirtied up. Therefore, sir, you are wasting a good poop wiper.

Also, squatting will get you just as much bacteria on your tookus as sitting.

harrison grrgeron said...

thank you peaches!

Paul T. said...

I place the blame squarely upon the domicile that houses said toilets for general use as they should provide those protective sheathes to place on the toilet seats bathed in bacteria.

In absence of said sheaths I generally follow the Loganberry Crumble toilet paper rule of thumb.

Today I broke that rule in the airport (toilet paper was at a low and I had to prioritize...and no sheaths were provided!). Tomorrow I shall be making a visit to the doctor for some blood work.

melbo said...

i get so angry when i'm in a dark dingy bar (wait for it) and i go to the bathroom to pee and rest my weary loins but instead i sit in a pile of piss. folks, when i pee and miss i make it my business to wipe the seat every time! and people are so self absorbed to think i want to wipe up their yellow spray too? well you know what SHOULD be self absorbed? the toilet paper they use to clean up their mess!