YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE KRIMATED!!!!!!

My trip is but half over, but i thought i would give all of you fucks an idea of how bad you are losing.

Sunday: landed in Berlin, saw the city in all it's snow covered glory.
Monday: went to the National History museum, ate killer falafel, rounded out the day at an awesome Russian bar.
Tuesday: arrived in Prague, hit up an awesome bar with Rachel, ended the night at a Misfits dance party in a random dudes apartment.
Wednesday: saw Prague in all it's splendid glory, returned to aforementioned bar, closed it with the owners around 7 AM.
Thursday: continued my tour of the city, went to a crazy Prague club, saw many dreaded mullets, closed the bar with the owners around 7 AM.
Friday: missed my train to Hungary, booked a bus to Austria, arrived in Austria late night, drank wine and ate cheese in the hills.
Saturday: took train to Budapest, arrived late afternoon, got dinner and walked around the city, went to a Gypsy bar, Went to a club modeled after Studio 54.
Sunday: saw the sites, tried traditional Hungarian food, went to a Hungarian rockabilly bar where all of our drinks were paid for by random Hungarian dudes, got very drunk, blogged about it.

Updates and pictures to come so stop whining about it. In the meantime this is the castle in Prague.



Kill yourselves!!

this weekend i made a baby with barack obama...beat that funsters

his name is scandalous christ. join us for the christening december 20th in the nutshell. 

Functional Alcoholics of the World, Unite and Take Over - Day One in New Orleans, Pre-Fun-Off

I'm still waiting for my body to normalize itself after the complete shit-show that was my trip to New Orleans. I'm also waiting for some supplemental input (photos, anecdotes, etc.) from my constituents. In the mean time, here's how my first night in New Orleans went:

My trip to NOLA got off to a pretty rough start when 15 minutes before my flight was scheduled to land, the captain came over the intercom stating that there were no lights on the runway of the New Orleans Airport and we would have to land in Baton Rouge. Now, Baton Rouge is only about 70 miles from New Orleans; at the most a 10 minute flight. But of course, we had to wait for almost two hours while the lights were fixed and the plane was re-fueled. During the wait, I called Drew and told him I'd be a little late, to which he replied: "New Orleans is a second world country. Of course there are no lights at the airport!". This was only the first time that I would have to be reminded of New Orleans' status as a place where electricity, indoor plumbing and clean drinking water only exist when and where they want to.

After being picked up at the airport, Drew, KDHL and I went back to Drew's house to unwind. We drank some High Lifes (High Lives?) and Drew cooked some dinner. In the interest of keeping it low-key, we headed to a friendly neighborhood dive bar called Pal's. Pal's claim to fame is that a mentally unstable homeless man came to the bar one night, sat around for a few hours, drank some beers and in general minded his own business. He gets up to leave, then without any provocation whatsoever, stabs someone and kills him. The attendance at Pal's was never truly the same. Drew also claims they have a great juke-box. I, however, do not believe this, seeing that Drew is a hipster douche-bag and only listens to music for the sake of irony. He owns a Rick Astley tape. I shit you not.

Anyways, we get to Pal's, have some drinks and play some air hockey. Word to the wise: never play air hockey with Katie Hunter-Lowery. She will destroy you. The walls of the men's bathroom were plastered with ads, photos and foldouts from old school Playboy magazines. There were tits everywhere. Also a Colt 45 ad featuring Redd Foxx.

After getting nicely sauced, we headed back to Drew's and went to sleep.

Opening Ceremonies - Berlin

Sam King landed on Sunday morning but I jumped the gun and decided so long as her plane was in the air, the competition in Berlin was on.

Saturday night it snowed and I'm not talking a dainty little dusting here folks, within 10 minutes my street was covered in a thick blanket of the white stuff and neighborhood-wide snow ball battles had begun.

Around 1 myself and a guest Lucy decided it was a good idea to go toast the coming fun-battle with some hot-chocolate and rum. We ordered our drinks and noticed the bartender was slightly tipsy. Seeing an opportunity to make a new friend and possibly have a night of free drinks we struck up a conversation.

Here is a breakdown of the next three hours of my life:

- he called himself 'Mr. Brazil', when asked to elaborate he said: "mmm...beecuuzz I'm HOT trooopicaahl and WEEEHHT!"
- we heard about his years in the German rap trio 'Hobo-Tribe', he claims they were one of the top three German rap groups in the late eighties/early ninties. I'm picturing parachute pants and vanilla ice haircuts. I youtubed but couldn't find anything conclusive.
- claimed to have met Tom Waits and still receives christmas emails from T. Waits that simply say: Farm on.

After a concluding shot of Grappa he slowly stood up, bumped into his glass (it shattered on the ground) stumbled over to the couch on the other side of the bar and took a short power-nap. I wish this was the end but he arose from the dead for another round of beers. Video and photos to follow.

Sam the King left this morning for Prague and will be back next monday for the second leg of this competition. Details on her first 48 hour stint to be posted soon.

Also, I hear Cory and Drew spent most of their time listening to Morrissey while holding each other and weeping softly. Truth?

I reject your wretched contest

But, only because I was not invited to participate. However, it is lucky for you that I was not, for I would have won, hands down. My weekend was the funnest fun that could ever be imagined in fun land.

"They were watching, out there past men's knowing, where stars are drowning and whales ferry their vast souls through the black and seamless sea."

just a quick weekend recap:

5:30 pm, Thursday: the first call. Drew Stephan. Seemingly sober.

5:45 am, Friday: my phone was charging across the room and started vibrating violently. After 10 or so long rings, it ended.

5:46 am, Friday. Again. A second miss call and a voice mail from Drew. Literally, all giggles.

1:56 pm Saturday. A pleasant call from katie with a mostly sober fun-off status update. Only a few giggles.

5:34am, Sunday. All giggles and the sound of Cory and Drew screaming DOCTOR WABOTTOMLEY. and then some more giggles


where you at sam? Everyone else? Send me emails or something.

my weekend was not particularly exciting but i did drink a lot last night and have a midterm in a hour or so. Good life choices include blogging instead of studying. Ugh. I hate myself for this.

Drew asked that I set some parameters. I have thought about this for a while and I am going to set two independent tasks.

Sam, I want you to steal contraceptives in every country you go to.
Cory, I want you to kill a prostitute.

I mean, I want you to get a prostitutes phone number. Sam too actually. Then you will both give them to me and fly me to your respective locations where I can hang out and reminisce with said prostitutes.

i should stop writing.

The Dark Fun Horse

So, I'm happy you're all having your "fun", but let me tell you, from one funner to another, my fun is more fun. I had so much fun on Thursday night that I was very late to work. I drove 80 mph blasting Lightning Bolt getting there in 10 minutes less time than it normally would take. Yay! I missed a meeting that I scheduled with my boss, and head of another department.

Oops!

I went into the weekend with no plans, Sking re-enacting ‘The Sound of Music’ and the Big Cat in the Big Easy. Shucks. I asked Chairman what I should do, but the fatty only Meow’d, put his butt into the air and drooled on the couch. The beast was no help.

Kallen and I figured we should at least buy beer, which we did. We walked to Allston because, exercise is fun and the 66 is not. We got some whiskey and partied throughout the night, I didn’t throw up! Kallen got a job at a porn store and I passed out on a couch. I also ate a lot of food all day the next day, watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, paid my respects to Paul Newman by eating Fig Newmans and went to a party in the apartment below us.

Ho! I nearly forgot! Best part is, we only paid 2 dollars for public transportation, so although you might think you had more fun than us, our fun:dollar ratio is like a bajillion times better. So there!

Endeavour astronauts complete third spacewalk, Sam King GRR arrives in Berlin

I am in Berlin!

I arrived at 10 AM this morning (4 AM EST), after a harrowing flight from New York. There was some sort of pre-teen USA dance team on my flight. They all wore their hair in matching pigtails and had team USA track suits. Their parents were insufferable stage moms and dads. While we were waiting to take off they showed off with fancy claps and cheers and then they started wagging their fingers all around and giggling. I hated them.

But, I am here now and Paul is making eggs and I am cold drinkin' German High-C with mineral water. Soon, we will go on a walk and explore the city.

It snowed here last night, so Berlin was dressed up in her fanciest fresh snow outfit when I landed-- TAKE THAT TEAM NEW ORLEANS!!!

Ha! Points for team New Orleans!

I just received this text from the soon-to-be-loser of the fun-off, Samantha King, Grr:

"It does not matter what you are doing right now, you are having more fun than me. Being gead [sic] hungover on the fung wah is a tragic fun fail."

True that! Prepare for MANY MORE, HUSSY!!!

i really like cormac mccarthy. sorry.

The judge looked about him. He was sat before the fire naked save for his breeches and his hands rested palm down upon his knees. His eyes were empty slots. None among the company harbored any notion as to what this attitude implied, yet so like an icon was he in his sitting that they grew cautious and spoke with circumspection among themselves as if they would not waken something that had better been left sleeping.

__________

Whatever exists, he said. Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge exists without my consent.

He looked about at the dark forest in which they were bivouacked. He nodded toward the specimans he'd collected. These anonymous creatures, he said, may seem little or nothing in the world. Yet the smallest crumb can devour us. Any small thing beneath yon rock out of men's knowing. Only nature can enslave man and only when the existence of every last entity is routed out and made to stand naked before him will he be properly suzerain of the earth.

Whats a suzerain?

A Keeper. A keeper or overlord.

Why not say a keeper then?

Because he is a special kind of keeper. A suzerain rules even where there are other rulers. His authority countermands local judgements.

Toadvine spat.
Only nature can enslave man and only when the existence of each last entity is routed out and made to stand naked before him will he be properly suzerain of the earth.

The judge placed his hands on the ground. He looked at his inquisitor. This is my claim, he said. And yet everywhere upon it are pockets of autonomous life. Autonomous. In order for it to be mine nothing must be permitted to occur upon it save by my dispensation.

Toadvine sat with his boots crossed before the fire. No man can acquaint himself with everything on this earth, he said.

The judge tilted his great head. The man who believes that the secrets of this world are forever hidden lives in mystery and fear. Superstition will drag him down. The rain will erode the deeds of his life. But that man who sets himself the task of singling out the thread of order from the tapestry will by the decision alone have taken charge of the world and it is only by such taking charge that he will effect a way to dictate the terms of his own fate

The Judge

Rumor has it that I am going to be judging this event. I accept. I only ask that all sirs not appearing make an effort to outdo Cory and Sam's traveling exploits because we all know its one thing to shit on far away places but real strength comes from shitting in your own backyard.

From here out I will be posting quotes from Blood Meridian from possibly the most badass character ever: The Judge

And finally, could the final award ceremony maybe fall the same day as man of the year? Just throwing it on the table

Attn: Sam King grrr

It has come to my attention through various unknown sources (i.e. Drew/KDHL) that you and I will be vacationing at roughly the same time in two entirely different geographical locations, thereby necessitating some sort of stupid/unnecessary contest. The term "Fun-Off" was mentioned. Possibly more than once.
With that said, I hereby challenge you to said "Fun-Off".
As I see it, there are three possible sets of rules for said "Fun-Off":

A) We could hold a contest with several categories (i.e. "Most Fun Things Accomplished", "Best Photo", "Best Drunk Dial", "Strangest Drunken Encounter", "Most Titties Viewed in a Men's Room Stall at a Bar in New Orleans", "Best Supporting Actor", etc.) with a vote by the general public to determine the winner

B) Have some kind of fucked up scavenger hunt

or

C) A combination of both A and B.

In terms of duration, anything that occurs within the overlapping time period in which you get to Germany and I leave New Orleans is fair game.

The prize has yet to be determined.

Please post any suggestions/ideas you may have for "Fun-Off 2008".

Live Blogging- Cory in New Orleans!

Cory Cocomazzi is setting up his pull out bed in Drew's living room. Now he's opening his suitcase. Cory is plugging in his cell phone to charge it and drinking water to avoid a hangover. How responsible!

Is this how live blogging works I don't really understand.

let us never forget

ted stevens lost his seat to mark begich last night as the final ballots were counted in the alaskan senate race. but let us never forget his series of tubes.

heroes get remembered sir, but legends never die.

I shall start with this weekend

Yesterday, being Saturday and what we like to refer to as a weekend, a fellow volunteer and I decided to make the two and a half hour trek to town.
Rosaria da Limeira is the name of said town and at 13 kilometers distance it is the closest thing to us that even closely resembles civilization, however faintly.
I awoke that morning at 8:30, and upon looking out the window, found the day to be extremely fair, which, after an entire week of nothing but rain was quite encouraging. And, feeling not a little proud of myself for managing to get out of bed before 9, especially on a weekend, I started down the hill to the kitchen expecting to be one of the first people up (except, of course, for my 63 year old house mate who rises and falls with the sun).
I didn't even make it a quarter of the way down before running into my soon to be walking companion, who I will henceforth refer to as Evan, that being his name. Evan was presumably on his way up to my house to wake me, because upon meeting him he tuned around and accompanied me the rest of the way to the kitchen. He expressed a desire to leave for town as soon as possible, as there was no telling how long the nice weather was going to hold out. I agreed with this. Experience as well as common sense tells me that in the rain forest during rainy season it tends to rain, a lot, especially in the afternoon. I was also in a bit of a time crunch, as I had promised to go to a meeting of local farmers which started at 2 pm. I communicated this to Evan. "We can get a ride back, there will be plenty of time" was his matter of fact response and it was agreed upon to leave presently. As no one else in our little group seemed at all inlined to join in on the arduous trip, the two of us set out alone.
The sun was brilliant and the mountain roads steep, the combination of which was brutal. En rout, I tried to imagine that I was on a great journey for a noble cause when really I was only curious about life in my new village and desperate for a diet coke. But, even as sweat soaked through my shirt and the sun burnt my shoulders there was no way to overlook the absolutely breathtaking beauty of our surroundings (picture to follow).
After what felt like decades, but was really just under 3 hours, we turned a bend and saw in front of us collection of colorful cement buildings nestled between the hills. "There is is" Evan pointed out, in the same matter of fact tone I had become familiar with, as he seemed to rely on it for all necessary speech. "Praise be!!" I responded, in tone that was considerably more animated and, I felt, more appropriate to the occasion.
We quickened the pace in this final stretch and before long found ourselves weaving between the beat-up Volkswagens, scraggly dogs and busy pedestrians that lined the narrow roads to the soundtrack of a variety of local radio stations that blasted out of almost every window.
Coming to the main square at last, we rushed into the corner bar to rehydrate ourselves before getting on with the necessary purchases we had come so far to make. Mine, being just a diet coke, did not take long. So, I followed Evan around as he visited a few more stores and after that is was time to turn around and go back.
I may have been inclined to hang around a little longer in order to take in a bit of local culture, but, the farmers meeting called and we set off in search of a ride back.
All together an exhilarating start to the weekend.

Lazy double posting!

Ok! I made a post on my blog over here! Fun!

Also, this is a funny story from the NYT today. Turns out Sarah Palin didn't actually think that Africa was a country, wah wah. However, when Greta Van Hoobengrabben confronted her with the question, she couldn't help but stumble through her answer:

We discussed what was going on in Africa. And never, ever did I talk about, well, gee, is it a country or is it a continent.

Uh huh.

Also, she felt like she needed to take a shot at the true villains in this whole election cycle - EVIL LIBERAL BLOGGERS.

Ms. Palin directed most of her media criticism at liberal bloggers, whom she twice called, “those bloggers in their parents’ basement just talkin’ garbage.”

I think she might be reading Wonkette, too - seems like she had to hold back from saying "just cold talkin' garbage."

(For the record, I found this post, which explains that, yea, I'm sure these bloggers sit in their parents' basements, because that's what everyone with master's degrees do, right?)

So the moral of the story is, evidently anyone with a blog and enough chutzpah could become a John McCain adviser. Yea, that sounds about right.

FINALLY, the public service announcement part of this post - people should start commenting again! I know that I've been as guilty of non-posting-ness as everyone else, but I wanna hear what all you funny liberals have to say! (Non-funny/non-liberals can comment too, but only in their best impersonation of a funny liberal (if such a thing exists!).)

free-basing hope, shooting up change

months ago we swore this wouldn't become a political blog (it's friend blog damnit). but we are political beasts with a record of breaking promises. so, whats one more post about hopey?

OHMYGOD HAVE YOU SEEN HIS TRANSITION WEBSITE OHMYGOD ITS SO EFFING AWESOME. yes, that's right. it's change dot gov. dot gov! look at his agenda. just look at it.

WhoaBama

He got elected! Only 2 days and the crazies already find an over the top way to be insulting! I wonder if this is true:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x7800850

Halloween or Election Day, which is scarier?

Halloween was aaawweessome. I think there are many pictures of me on the internet taken by strangers. I was so proud bc I feel like it's hard to impress people in New Orleans with costumes but having no head apparently does it.


L-R:The Grey Ghost aka Fred Ratke, Professor Plum, Calvin and Hobbes, Headless Marie Antoinette, Ignatius Reilly


Now I'm in California. Here's a flyer from some people who hate the gays:



...Oh wait, THAT'S NOT TRUE. So yesterday rockstar Julie Verratti, and I did an emergency lit drop in Oakland yesterday that was like Fuck that Shit, Obama Says NO ON 8. We sped up gentrification by 15 years by sending rich, white gay men to walk around neighborhoods. I'm sure some of them are already looking into buying up property there. ("I didn't realize how adorable these neighborhoods are out here!")

I also had to deal with the craziest bitch I have ever encountered in organizing who threw her hand in my face and yelled "I'll deal with you later" bc I wouldn't send my volunteers out to do voter IDs, since ya know, that's not what we were supposed to be doing. If you're doing voter IDs on November 2nd, you're an idiot. If you think Obama won't win Oakland, you're fucking crazy. It was a logisital nightmare but we got out 36,000 flyers. WOOO!

The office here is amazing, there are so many people. A lot of Mass Equality, HRC and just really really dedicated volunteers. It's all so exciting but nerve racking too. The latest poll said we were ahead 50% to 47%. Absurdly close!

Also, here's a picture I found of Kri: